Body Image and Size-ism.

In my attempts to procrastinate finishing my Statement of Purpose for graduate school applications, I decided a blog would be much more fun to write. Ahhh, gotta love the internet and it’s wonderful powers.

Yesterday my best friend had the lap band surgery. To my surprise, she was awake, chipper, and in a extremely happy disposition not long after the procedure. This has been a long and tedious journey for her that I don’t think enough people fully appreciate. 


I always considered Becky a confident and strong person and I’m only realizing now that there were deeper issues at hand. I feel selfish as a friend for not recognizing earlier her true unhappiness and lack of self-confidence about her body. She wanted help and I don’t feel like I always offered her that…perhaps because it has become such a taboo subject or perhaps because of my problems with my own body image. What makes me even sadder is that the root of her unhappiness (like many people) was tied to her body and her weight.

Perhaps her pseudo-confidence was an attempt to hide or escape discussion about her weight…and she has good reason to feel that way. They ways in which we talk about size/weight in our society are atrocious, dangerous, and damaging. When individuals begin tying their self-worth to their bodies, they see their outward appearance as a representation of not just their successes and failures, but who they are (If this statement interests you, read “Perfect Girls Starving Daughters”; it’s amazing).

“Fat” is not who Becky is and I never have or never will see her like that. I believe Becky is absolutely beautiful…and not in the “beautiful on inside and out” way, because really, that’s bullshit and no one likes hearing that cliché. It suggests that the beauty on the inside makes up for the lack of beauty on the outside and that’s not how I see Becky. While, yes, she is a “beautiful person on the inside” with a heart made of gold, she is also physically beautiful. I hope she realizes that both now and when she begins to lose weight. She will be just as beautiful then as she is now; there is no number on a scale that can take that away from her.  She taught me that. When I was suffering some severe body image problems, Becky made the jump, unsure of how I would respond, and talked to me about it. She did what I should have done for her.

I know she is doing this for her future and health, not just because society tells her she needs to lose weight (she’s always been good at dismissing societal norms). I hope she finds love, but I hope she finds that it exists for the right reasons. I hope a year from now the past ex-boyfriends and potential ex’s that came in and out of her life look back and regret walking out on a great thing. Not because she lost weight and now they see her in a new light, but because they realize they had the problem, not her. They were the ones so unsure of who THEY were and that they couldn’t and didn’t fully appreciate who she was/is. I hope the love she finds appreciates and welcomes the trials and tribulations she went through to get to where she will be. I hope they look at old pictures of her and say, “you were just as beautiful then as you are now”.

As this journey unfolds, I hope the stresses caused by her body image disappear. I hope she gets upset over issues completely unrelated to her body, I hope she cries about them like she has in the past over her weight. I hope she  goes days, weeks even, without worrying about her weight or her body. More importantly, I hope she soon sees what I’ve always seen: a strong, beautiful woman. (Are you tired of hearing that yet, Becky?) Because Becky is someone I strive to be like, someone I admire, someone I look up to. For her to fully understand where my admiration comes from, she must first love herself as much as her friends and family love her.

All of this has got me thinking, though. 

We, as a society, need to change the way we talk about weight. Fat is not and cannot be equated with laziness and thin cannot be equated with self-control; you will never know where someone comes from until you take a walk in their shoes. But this polar language we have about skinny and fat is the very thing setting us up for failure. Children are growing up believing that power is tied to their body, and women in particular allow this power to exist there because they fear they have no more powerful currency left in the world except our bodies.

I wish weight was not so important in our society. Eating disorders are at an all time high. Eating disorders are so dangerous because they teach people to tune out our internal signals, our wants, and our needs in an attempt for perfection. But what does it really mean to achieve a perfect body while never truly understanding the deeper issues that make us feel as though we need that perfect body? Our perceptions of self should not lie in what our bodies look like, but rather what those bodies can accomplish. People with eating disorders often question their worth in the world and instead of relying on their character and inner-self to define that, they look at their outside selves for continuous affirmation. They become convinced that the only accurate depiction of themselves is outside themselves. Their bodies become their enemy instead of their temple.

Men have it bad in the body image world, too, though. Men have begin to feel the pressure to fit into the mold of what is considered attractive. In the US, one million men have eating disorders (which is a 30% increase since 1972) and I suggest that reported number is inaccurately low due to the stigma of males having an eating disorder. 

The media shows us a very narrow standard of beauty, but if we accepted and appreciated  the sheer variety that bodies come in, women (and men) could focus more engery and thought into real issues. We are all chasing an imaginary body in some way, maybe because we know that “fat” is a societal death sentence. 50% of people polled by ELLEgirl said they would rather be skinny than healthy. Really?! It shouldn’t be that way, but it is and it stems from our misconceptions about what it means to be “fat”. 

How can we change this? I don’t know, it will take a lot of work and change in our everyday language. But we can start small; tomorrow, wear something that you find unflattering, you know, that shirt you bought and never wore because it shows your “love handles”. When you begin to feel uncomfortable in that piece of clothing, appreciate and embrace that feeling. Ask yourself why you truly feel so uncomfortable; what is making you feel that way? You will learn a lot about yourself in the answer.

It's a beautiful day!

Ah, such a beautiful day today. It's funny, last week it was snowing and today it's 70 and sunny. Hmmm...no complaining here, though.

I haven't made a post in a few days, so why not now with a heavy dose of my morning coffee?

I don't really have any news that I care to comment on, so I'll just babble.

The question I've been asked a lot is: what made you a feminist? To that, I can't offer some specific turning point in my life when I woke up one day and said, "I know! Let's try out feminism!". It was nothing like that. I was privileged enough to be brought up by liberal parents that always made sure I knew that different was okay. Sometimes, I like to call my mom a feminist, though I doubt she would self-identify with that label. Regardless, she definitely laid the ground work for me to become the activist I am today.

Since I can remember, the big thing that she stressed to be was that to be gay was okay; it was not a choice, but biology. One time, in 3RD GRADE (that's like 8 years old, people) my teacher told the class that homosexuality was a choice. I knew better and the next day my mom loaded me up with articles to take to my teacher so that I could argue my case. I will never forget that day. Everyone in class made fun of me and called me a lesbian simply because I was fighting for something I knew was wrong. Now, I was in 3rd grade, so of course it bothered me to get picked on for simply doing what I felt was right, but somehow I knew it was worth it. Let's flash-foward a bit....

I was engaged at an early age (18!). Call it a mistake, call it naive, call it dumb, but it changed my life in more ways than one. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. Where I am from, it's southern and conservative. After high school you're supposed to get married and have babies. Not to say that there weren't people who constantly broke that mold, but the mindset of many was focused on being a housewife. Looking back, it's funny, because I almost fell into that hole. After I graduated high school (we got engaged shortly after) and began growing mentally, I was looking for ways to define myself. Who was I? I made the mistake of defining myself by my fiance, by my significant other. I was okay not being Erin, but rather so-and-so's fiance. I didn't have much of an identity outside of him. In my sophomore year of college we ended it and I was left feeling lost and confused. That's the damaging part of tying your identity to others: when they leave, you have no real sense of self. I didn't know who I was or how to define myself. 


For no other reason rather than to gain credit hours for school, I picked up Intro to Women Studies the semester after we broke up. I loved the professor (spunky, spunky, spunky!), I loved the material, and I loved being around the people interested in that stuff. I continued to take other WGST/WMST classes. I will save the sappiness of when I found the professor that changed my life, changed my thoughts, and provided me all the tools I now have to assess woman's issues, but there definitely was an amazing professor within the program that I owe the world to. Thank you, Lorelei. 


What made me fall in love with feminism, aside from the fabulous professor, was that I finally felt that I had something to define myself by. I had an identity and it was as a woman, not as someone's woman. Everything about feminism is liberating. We have better sex, we are more empowered, we have higher aspirations, we aren't as restricted, and we fight for YOU. I don't see feminism as just for women. Men need to realize that what we fight for will help break the gender roles men are forced into, too. Because quite frankly, men may have a lot of power, but there are also dangerous gender roles for men that are contributing to a larger reality, such as the rape culture and domestic violence. Men are being taught that they must be big, strong, emotionless, a provider, macho, etc, etc, etc. It must be exhausting to have to put on a "tough-guise" (Thank you, Jackson Katz!) every day. But it doesn't have to be that way. Since I have become a feminist I am much happier. I am not going to fall into the trap of being a housewife, I don't feel like shit when I'm looking through a beauty magazine, I can recognize what is REALLY being said about women (And it's not pretty, ya'll.), I don't like pink just because I'm told I should, I don't put up with sexist stereotypes, I care less about what the world thinks about me, I sure as hell don't define myself by the man I am with, and did I mention feminist have better sex?

Since then, I have found a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me as a feminist, which can be hard for men. I'm not generalizing, just saying. Men can be intimidated by the power I take (no one is ever given power, you must take it). But he supports each and every thing I do...and he is usually right by my side through it. He gave me the encouragement to protest against a local restaurant that offered an offensive drink ("Roofie Bomb", really?!), he wore a "Got Feminism?" shirt with me when we both went to hear Gloria Steinem speak (My life is complete, by the way.), he speaks out when he hears sexist rhetoric...he's fabulous. But, I feel like what Justin and I have is completely different than what my ex-fiance and I had. I am able to appreciate Justin because I am not tied to him; he does not define me. He is not my identity, but rather someone who is helping make my identity more....ME. The truth is, he helped me become the feminist I am today by showing me my individuality and encouraging it. 


So all in all, I thank my mom, my boyfriend, and my professor for who I am today. My life could have seriously taken a wrong turn, but it didn't. I can't help but to believe it was because I am destine to help women, speak out, learn more every day, and teach others to do the same. Oh, and never get engaged at 18. Just don't do it.

This just in: Women LIKE abuse!

Last night, as I was watching the evening news, a story came on about domestic violence. Apparently, this woman was convicted of murder years ago when her abusive husband was killed. Thing is, she didn't even shoot the bastard, her son and friend did. Whatever the specifics are, it's not important. What I am more interested in pointing out is what the deceased man's brother (Andy) said in regards to the domestic violence. It's sickening. See the bold.

Convicted murderer says she deserves a pardon

YORK COUNTY, (SC) – The following is an emotional story that has people talking about whether domestic violence should be taken into account during the prosecution and/or sentencing of a murder case.

Clara Childers says it should be.  She will be 76 years old this summer.  She was convicted of her husband's murder and served 20 years in a Greenwood, South Carolina prison for his death.  She got out on parole in 2000.  She remains on parole now.

"He would beat me badly.  I would run between him and the children, because he would beat me first and then he'd beat the boys," she says.  "I wouldn't have survived.  Because in the end [before he died], he had gotten harder and harder and he would've eventually killed me.  He really would have."

Andy Childers says domestic violence shouldn't be a factor in deciding the sentencing of a murder case.  Andy is the 70-year old brother or Raymond Childers, the man Clara was convicted of killing.  Andy says he doesn't believe in a man beating a woman but in Clara's case, he says, she deserved it.

"She's a troublemaker," he said in a sit-down interview.  "She brought all that on herself. She brought everything on herself. When she come in and start cussing and he was high tempered… he would have to whoop her to make her satisfied. She liked it."

Clara's case has twists and turns and family history that goes back decades.  But the facts are this:  She and Raymond married in 1960.  He was murdered in 1978, shot in the back while lying in bed.  She says at first she took the heat because her son and one of his teenage friends were really the ones responsible.  In the 1980 trial, her son and his friend said she had paid them to do it – contract murder.  She maintains that's not true.  Didn't matter.  All three were convicted and sent to jail.  In an appeals trial three years later, the boys' story changed.  They said she hadn't paid them.  The verdict didn't change.  Clara Childers remained sentenced to life in prison for first degree murder.

In 1993 a domestic violence bill passed that allowed inmates who could document abuse, to come up for parole every year, instead of every two years. In 2000, Clara was let out on parole and told to go to Florida.  She went to Florida to live with family.  Months later, she asked for permission to move to North Carolina – she says she had a cousin there who could get her a job in a diner.  Both states agreed. 

Once in North Carolina, Clara asked for permission to visit family in South Carolina.  North Carolina permitted her to go for a visit.  Once in South Carolina, Clara says the South Carolina Probation, Parole and Pardon Board told her she had to move back to the state and couldn't stay in North Carolina. "I don't know why she ever left Florida," says Andy Childers.  "I don't think she should've been allowed to leave Florida.  That's just not right."

Clara says she doesn't want to be any trouble.  She says since being on parole she has never done anything wrong.  She says she pays her $50 a month to the state's Probation, Parole and Pardon Board, and just hopes someday they'll give her a pardon. 

"I'm just tired," she says.  "I'm an old woman. I hate to ask you can I move, can I go to North Carolina and spend the night with my cousin?  Or, my son?  Will I ever get to make a decision for myself?!?  I was controlled for twenty years by a man, and now the past thirty I've been controlled by the system."

A month ago she went up before the P.P.P. Board for a pardon hearing.  Clara had to pay a hundred dollars to get the hearing.  At a yearly salary of $7600 a year from social security, she says she can't afford to ask for a pardon every year. 

"I won't accept money from my kids to pay for this pardon hearing," she says.  "I want to do this myself."

After a decade of parole, Clara says she felt confident this year a pardon would be granted.  She was wrong.  After a seven minute hearing where both she and Raymond's family spoke, her pardon was denied. 

We went to Columbia to ask the board spokesman why it was denied – no reasons are given to the applicant.

Peter O'Boyle told us that the board puts great weight in the testimony of victim's family member.  He also said he wouldn't answer questions about any specific case.  He told us if we had specific questions we could ask the chair of the board – Karen Walto of Tega Cay.

So we went to Walto's house.  We asked her if she'd be willing to talk with us about this case, at a later time of her choosing.  She agreed, asking for a few days to review Clara's information.  We agreed to meet three days later.  The morning of our meeting, O'Boyle called us to cancel the interview saying Walto would not be discussing the case with us at all.  No reason was given.

Andy Childers says no discussion is needed.  "You never pay the debt," he says.  "You can't go back out there and pick that man back up out of the grave."

But Clara says she'd really like someone to listen to what she has to say.  "I just don't understand when it will end," she says.  "I'm still being controlled and it's just unreal to think it will never end.  I didn't have a chance back then to go to a shelter.  I didn't have that choice.  I had to live with my abuse.  Because like I said… I'd take warrants out for his arrest and with the good ol' boy network, they'd just put them in a drawer and never serve them.  The system wouldn't help me then, and it's holding me back now."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? She ASKED FOR IT? Andy, you ignorant idiot, you're part of the problem in the United States today. Do we really have men thinking women are not only asking to be abused, but as he claims, they LIKE IT? Wow. I could go into depth about the dangerous rhetoric he has just spouted out, but I'd like to think my audience is smart enough to understand why what he said is not only wrong but extremely disturbing. What kills me even more is that he says he doesn't "believe" in a man beating a woman. Really? Because that's not what you just said...Oh, WBTV, why did you air him? One step forward, two steps back.

Inspired by Becky

Well, well, well. I never expected I'd create a blog, but when a best friend of mine started one, it kind of inspired me. I (always) have a lot to say and not many people who care to listen, so maybe this will be a good thing to have.

A lot of what I think and talk about pertains to equality, feminism, peace, woman's issues, the media, and our everyday (damaging) language. Notice above I used the F-word. Yes, I am a feminist. Don't like it? Stop reading right now. But please, please, please don't think that just because I am pro-woman means I am anti-man. Real feminists understand that the fight for equality can help men just as much as women. Perhaps I should say I'm a humanist? Anyway...

So, I graduated college in December (2009) with a B.A. in Communication Studies and a minor in Women and Gender Studies. The job search since then has been horrendous. First off, it's important to know I'm a climber. Rock and ice. I do a lot of mountaineering and alpine climbing as well. With that being said, I love my free time. Some of my mountaineering trips last up to 21 days. Who the hell is going to let me take off 21 days from a job? No one, that's who. So I suppose you could say I'm being a little picky with my job search, but in all honesty, no where is hiring, not even Starbuck's. I hate living in the real world. Like, a lot. More than a lot. I want to just climb, hike, and go to school forever. Either that or find my dream job. I want to work with women and that's all I know right now. I know I'm expected to know exactly what I want to do with my life, but really, I'm 22 years old. Bleh. I enough about jobs, it only gets me upset. I do plan on returning to school in 2011 to pursue my Master's (In what? I don't know). Maybe by then Justin will have won the lottery and I will never have to work. I can just climb forever.

I'm going to make sure I post lots of pictures, links, and quotes (I LOVE quotes). So be ready, blogosphere, I'm here.